THANKS, DAD

I am missing my father, who died this last January 19 (my oldest son's birthday).   He had wanted to go into that good night for several years.  As I sat by his bed that night with him, knowing that he was dying, I felt happy for him.  His mind had been sharp up until a week before, but his body had long since betrayed him.  When I knew tht he was not going to get back out of his bed I notified the family and many of the grand-children were able to visit him one last time.  The message on both sides was one of love.  He was unconscious most of the time, but would rally when a grand-child would come in and he would open his eyes and look up at them with the delight and affection of a small child and tell them how he loved them.  He was very anxious to give a message to my oldest son, the oldest grandson.  It was somewhat enigmatic to me, but meant a lot to Joshua.
He was a great man, but a difficult and stern father.  A brilliant, world-reknowned scientist and gifted at almost anything he did (a genius some said), he was very challenging to have as a father.  He and I had a difficult relationship from the time I was in my mid-teens.  He and I are actually a lot alike.  But, I don't think that he ever realized how alike we are.  He was very patriarchal and Mormon and I was female and, eventually, not Mormon.  I just wanted him to love me and understand me, which his world view did not give him much perspective to do.  I was well into adulthood before I realized that.  He gave me what he could.  I have a lot from him for which to be grateful:  my love of the outdoors and wilderness, taste for all things plaid, love of books and learning, my analytical mind, my strong will, my physical characteristics (I resemble his mother more than I wish were the case), my good mind, working with my hands, a need to own land and garden it, my sense of humor, a love of fire.  The list could go on for a long time.  He also taught me lot:  Be faithful to that which you believe, honor your word, hard work is good, great music is part of being fully human, get a good education.
He is gone now and I really miss him, letting go of the hurts, betrayals, conflicts, misunderstandings which plagued our relationship.  I remember the good things:  that rare time when he let me go hiking with him (he assumed girls did not hike because Mom loathed it); camping trips (a real challenge to organize and execute for such a large family, but he did it for us); his large and excellent collection of music which he played for us, especially on Saturday night when we would all take our weekly baths and then he would light a fire in the fireplace and put on a record (As a small child I would dry off and warm up and dance in front of that fire.  I think it was my favorite time of the week.).
It is Saturday again and the days are cold.  I will take a bath, light a fire, play Beethoven and dance--at least in my mind--and remember.  Thanks, Dad.  I miss you.  I love you.